What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 00:11
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why is my elder sister so mean?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She was in good health!
I think the readers, may guess!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She wouldn,t have been !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
All the time i was locked up.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Was Daenerys' downfall inevitable after she left Meereen in Game of Thrones?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Which is a better option, a love marriage or an arranged marriage in India?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Is it possible to permanently quit pornography?
Ive learnt so much.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One cannot live in the past .
Is it true that all men want a woman who looks like an Instagram “model”?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im still living with it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I said to her
Why do liberals think it is okay to steal votes while the rest of us obey the law(s)?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And i lived it daily.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She loved him until the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My life is so biszare .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We all went to grammer schools
Who then, do I blame.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was scared of men, in general
I could never make a relationship work though!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I don,t even have a pension.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But it wasn’t much.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I will be 64.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I have no regrets .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But, we were locked up after school.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It was going to be , some day.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She married twice! .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was very sick at this time too.
Put me off passion for life!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was 9 years of age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were not on the streets..
So whats the point in blame.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I waited trembling.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Would this be the day?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is soul school!.
Comes on , in middle age.
My family never makes their pension either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I write beautiful poetry .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He knew the spot.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So, i spoilt her more .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!